Laymans jokes

• ON GETTING MARRIED

THESE are the profiles taken from Shaadi.com — actual ads on a matrimonial site. Grammar and spellings have been corrected suitably (as far as possible), but idiosyncracies retained for the humour element. The descriptions are usually straight from the heart.(Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail)

• I am Pranati. My family his story — my two brothers, two sisters, father and mother, sisters completely married. (Will someone please explain how does one get completely married.)
• My name is Farhan Begum and I am unmarried. Please you marry me.. please.. please.. please.. please... please.... (Height of desperation, indeed!)
• I am Kamamdevi. I do one business, one sister he was married. (No comments!)
• Hello, I am a characterised woman. I want to ruin my life happily. Divorced my first husband. His character not good. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted. (but credit cards are not accepted)

A FEW MORE

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart! Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello To Viewvers My Name is Shiva, I am single i dont have female, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shiva ~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow I amlooking onegirl she caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife should be as 'Parvati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing{laughing})

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone wife and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ iam pranav my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. I am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. She love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome boy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good boy. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (uttama purish)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.She was marred. (No comments)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (but credit cards not accepted..???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ to be married on jan-2005. working man perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bridegroom. I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)




THESE are some interesting, funny statements (made unintentionally) by people in different places.

• WHAT WAS THAT?
  
• I have two daughters. Both of them are girls.
  
  All of you, stand in a straight circle.
  
  There is no wind in the balloon.
  
  The girl with the mirror please come here. (Meaning the girl with spectacles).
  
  To a boy, angrily: I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?
  
  PUNISHING ORDERS
  
  A teacher giving a punishment to students:
  
  You, rotate the ground four times.
  
  You, go and under-stand the tree.
  
  You three of you, stand together separately.
  
  Why are you late — say Yes or No.
  
  TEACHER’S SLIP
  
  A teacher had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of the school boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So, the next day at college, he told the boy: “Yesterday I saw you with my wife at the cinema theatre.”
  
  INSIDE A CLASS
  
  Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
  
  Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
  
  Cut an apple into two halves — take the bigger half.
  
  Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor.
  
  You meet me behind the class. (meaning ‘after’ the class)
  
  Both of you three, get out of the class.
  
  Close the doors of the windows please.
  
  I have winter in my nose today.
  
  Take copper wire of any metal, especially of silver.
  
  Take 5 cm wire of any length.
  

While Walking

• I laugh,You laugh, why mutton laugh(refers to goat making noice when he was speaking)
  
  One midnight I arrest the police (police arrested him at midnight)

Leave Letters -Corpoate world-India

1.Friday, September 16, 2005

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,please sanction me one-week leave.

2.This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,please grant me 10 days leave."

5.Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the well."

Job Application

1. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post

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Top 9 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. (man….if only I knew A B C….)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again. (sure…thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. (in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. (check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. (howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. (wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. (uh…huh!)

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. (hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. (nice work!)